


lost

by casdoms (moffwithhishead)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Drinking to Cope, Episode: s13e01 Lost and Found, M/M, Post-Episode: s13e01 Lost and Found, Temporary Character Death, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-13
Updated: 2017-10-13
Packaged: 2019-01-16 23:38:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12352890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moffwithhishead/pseuds/casdoms
Summary: Cas’ room is too empty.It’s always empty, there’s rarely ever stuff in it but today it’s the kind of empty that has its own energy. The air feels heavy and Dean’s pretty sure he’s not imagining it.He can’t bring himself to sit on the bed, though. Cas has probably slept in this bed a handful of times but Dean is... terrified.





	lost

**Author's Note:**

> it has been... so long since I wrote anything or tried to write anything. this gets kinda rambly and much like dean I don't really know how to explain this one thing in the fic. forgive me.
> 
> spoilers, duh. dean punches some more things and there's mentions of blood. castiel makes an appearance, sorta.

Dean’s brain hasn’t shut up in the last twelve hours.

He can’t remember the last time he actually ate food either. There wasn’t anything in the bunker when they got home and he’d turned down Sam when they stopped to get him and Jack food. 

Cas’ room is too empty.

It’s always empty, there’s rarely ever stuff in it but today it’s the kind of empty that has its own energy. The air feels  _heavy_  and Dean’s pretty sure he’s not imagining it. 

He can’t bring himself to sit on the bed, though. Cas has probably slept in this bed a handful of times but Dean is... terrified.

Castiel has a presence. He told Dean once that every human experiences it differently. Sam’s described it as a shift in the temperature of a room and the smell of freshly cut grass, like Cas literally brings the new life of spring into the room with him. Claire described it one night after a few beers she guilted out of Dean that he still smells like Jimmy to her. He never got to ask Charlie what she felt when she met Cas.

Dean’s never been able to explain it. His presence has changed over the years and Dean is, apparently, the most sensitive to it.

When they first met, Cas made everything in the room feel cold and dangerous. He remembers being genuinely scared for the first time in years when Castiel walked into that barn. He remembers every time after that how his stomach dropped and there was this smell that all the angels left in their wake and it made Dean’s stomach turn. 

And then one day... Castiel showed up and he smelled like something familiar, something comforting but something that Dean couldn’t put his finger on. Sam thought he was crazy. 

The closer they got, and Dean hates to say it, the more Cas’ presence started to feel like home. For a few months, Castiel would walk into a room and Dean would suddenly feel like he was in the Impala, driving down an empty highway with his brother asleep in the backseat. And then it was Bobby’s house - the same feeling of camaraderie he got when the four of them would sit on the porch, laughing and drinking beers. Eventually, it was the warmth and the constant low hum of the bunker. 

Now...? Castiel’s room is so  _empty_. There’s nothing. The air feels stale and too still because there’s no wings for it to move around. There’s no electricity in the air that Dean’s gotten way, way too used to.

But he knows Cas’ bed is going to smell like him. 

He thought about letting Sam drive the Impala home and just getting in Cas’ truck, fucking off for a few days to drink himself stupid. He really thought about it.

He got all the way to the driver’s side door before the smell hit him and his knees started to buckle. Sam looked at him sympathetically when Dean tossed him the keys but didn’t say anything, thank god. 

Dean moves over to the bed slowly, running his hand over the wall for a distraction. 

“It’s just a bed,” he reminds himself, his voice breaking. “Man up.” 

Castiel doesn’t have a memory foam mattress. His is an old, old spring one that Dean insisted on replacing a hundred times only ot have Cas stop him with a gentle,  _Dean, I don’t sleep_. 

His back aches when he finally sits down and he has to take a moment to breathe. The air moves for the first time and for just a split second, it feels like Cas is in the room with him. 

That’s what finally does it. 

He barely sucks in a breath before he’s sobbing quietly into his hands. 

The question the sheriff asked him keeps echoing in his head and the ache in his chest that’s been there all day amplifies. 

“ _So... what are you? Some kind of superhero?_ ” 

Dean laughs and runs a hand through his hair, the guilt and grief just piling up. 

"Fuck,” he chokes out in between a laugh and a sob. “ ** _Fuck_**.” 

The moment it happened has been on loop in his head all day and Dean can’t get it out of his head. He can’t get the memory of Cas laying on that table out of his head. 

That room had just felt so still when he walked into it. For a split second, he’d thought it wasn’t the right room.

He needs to get himself under control but it’s taking all of his energy to remember to even breathe properly. 

Another laugh claws its way out of his chest and it’s all Dean can do not to scream. Dean’s hands clench for something to break. 

“ ** _Cas_**.” 

His name comes out again, “Fuck,  _Cas_.” 

Abruptly, Dean stands up and swings his fist at whatever the hell’s in front of him. When glass shatters and Dean realizes it’s the mirror, the only thing he can do is punch it over and over and over again until there’s blood all over the dresser. His knuckles were fucked up anyways.

Exhaustion hits him like a truck all of a sudden and Dean lets himself fall onto the floor. Something in his brain recognizes that he isn’t crying anymore and man, that’s kinda fucked up. 

He looks at his knuckles for a moment and hopes that Sam didn’t hear anything. 

“I know you’re gone, Cas... I don’t know -”

Dean cuts himself off, wiping off his face with the sleeve of his shirt before continuing. 

“I can’t feel you anymore, man. I know that...” He still can’t say it.

“I promise,” Dean’s voice cracks. “I promise I’m gonna do everything I can to get you home. Short of that...”

He doesn’t want to think about it. Today made it very clear that Cas isn’t coming back but the universe has got another thing coming if it thinks Dean isn’t going to tear apart heaven, hell and earth to get Cas back. To get his mom back. 

“I just. I need you, okay? So wherever you are... whatever they’re doing to you... I need you to fight it, Cas. I need you to fight like hell until we can figure this out. Until  ** _I_**  can figure this out...” 

* * *

 

Dean’s prayer sounds like static. 

Castiel can only catch snippets of it, a word here and a word there. He hates it.

There’s nothing where Castiel is, but he can feel something coming. There’s no sky, there’s no air, there’s no ground, no surroundings. There’s just empty space and dread and for the first time in his billions of years of existence, Castiel has no idea where the hell he is or  _what_  this place is. 

Dean’s voice breaks the silence one more time. This time it’s crystal clear.

“ _I love you. I’m sorry I never said it_.”

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr @ deansmom


End file.
